Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Blog Share

As part of today's Blog Share, I'm hosting an anonymous poster. Some friends who are also hosting are Julia and Tracy. Thanks to R for the opportunity.

Letters to the men in my life:

Dear B,
I do not know what to say to you. I tried so hard to understand you but I never did. I still don't.

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Dear __,
Why? Why? Why? That question has been my frequent companion for the past 22 years. Why did you pick me? Why did you prey on me? Could you see how vulnerable I was? Why did you rape me that night? Did you know that your choice would haunt me for the remainder of my days? Did you know it would have some effect on every future relationship I entered into? Did you know 22 years later I would still feel the emotional scars almost as freshly as I did that night because I see the physical scars every day in my mirror? Did you know how many lives your actions would change in that instant? Would knowing have made a difference? Would you have made a different choice that night? Do you ever think about what you did? Does it haunt you too? Why?

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Dear D,
You told me you tried. You said you tried really hard but could not be the person I needed you to be. I needed you to be honest with me. I needed you to be my friend and not my worst enemy. Sometimes I only needed you to hold my hand and make me believe things were okay. I didn't ask you for the impossible, or at least I didn't think I did. I don't understand exactly what went wrong but it did go horribly wrong somewhere along the way. Our relationship made me overwhelmingly depressed. Now I know that the depression was a sign that my life needed to change. You wore me out emotionally. I had nothing left to give you. I had given up so much. I lost myself. I hope I didn't cause you as much pain as you caused me. I do want good things for you.

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Dear G,
Thank you. You helped me heal and you probably don't know that. You probably don't understand how deeply damaged I was when we first met in a bar that night. In fact, there could not have been a more perfect man in the world than who you were when you approached me on that fateful evening. I had a flawed opinion of myself and you helped change that. The friendship that has blossomed between us is a beautiful thing. Thank you.
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Dear M,
I learned a lot from you. I learned of a few new things I am unwilling to live with in a relationship. I learned how cruel one human can be to another. The most important thing I learned was that I am capable of standing up for myself. I do have a backbone. I can be the one who chooses to walk away. The fear of walking away was much worse than the actual walking was. You reminded me of that and I thank you.
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Dear L,
I had never met a man who held me in such high esteem before you came into my life. But you are too serious all of the time. The timing was not right for us. That's what you told me when you ended things anyway. You hurt me when you did that but I know you were going through some things and it was best that we break it off. I'm glad we still talk occasionally. I hope you find someone deserving of your kindness, your gentleness, and your wonderful heart. You are a good, good man. When we have talked, you have said that you are comparing other women to me and have not met anyone you want to be with. Please don't. You did not think I was perfect for you when we were dating. If you did, we might still be together. I did get hurt by my relationship with you, but I'm still happy to know you are sharing this world with me. I smile when I think about you. Your ex-wife was foolish to treat you the way she did. She lost out on a good man.

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Dear E,
Where did you come from? You are one of a kind, yet I wish all of the women I know could experience love with a man like you. After all of this time, I still get butterflies in the pit of my gut everytime I look at you and I look forward to many more years together. Thank you for your acceptance of me. I am flawed in many ways and you love me anyway. I feel fearless with you. I am unafraid of love for once. I wish you could get inside my head and know what it feels like for me to be with you. It feels pretty great. I think it is possible that God put all of those other creeps in my life so that I would realize a really good thing. I love you E.

8 comments:

-R- said...

I love the mix of good and bad in this. Thank you for sharing your stories!

lizgwiz said...

Great post. It makes me feel hopeful that the ups and downs of my romantic life might still end on an up! And that I should remember that sometimes people come into our lives for a reason...even if it's not the reason we might think at the time.

Melliferous Pants said...

Thank you for sharing your letters to the men in your life. I can relate to a lot of them and continue to hope that I find my own E.

Elise said...

What a journey! I'm glad to see that your last letter is such a happy one.

Sauntering Soul said...

E sounds like a great guy. I hope you're happy with him for a long time.

Alice said...

that was lovely. i never had any REALLY terrible creeps in my past, but i do think that the harmless creeps prepared me to recognize a good thing when i saw it.

Noelle said...

I dated an L for a while, I had an E for four years, but he's lost to me now. This was a fun post!

Reluctant Blogger said...

oh what an original idea. I really liked that and might borrow it to use myself one day. I'm sorry you had to go through so much bad stuff. But whilst it sounds trite, it all makes us what we are today. I believe that anyway - I wouldn't actually change anything about my life, not even the really bad stuff because then I would cease to be me.

Good luck with E.