Friday, May 12, 2006

The Gas I've Passed

I was at a performance in my school's auditorium last night, sitting to the side and rear of the rest of the audience. A few students were performing a song onstage and one of the parents was standing along the wall a few feet away from me. As the audience politely watched the peformance, the parent farted. It was quick, it had clarity and, luckily, it didn't smell (it has always been my belief that the louder they are, the less they stink. Effort and explosiveness = fewer wrinkled noses). To my added relief, no one near us seemed to notice. This incident set me to thinking about the top 3 flatulations from my lifetime:

1. The Late 1980's - Math Class I was sitting near the back and center of the classroom. Miss Klingenberg was teaching her lesson when I realized I needed to float an air biscuit. I slowly began the release of an SBD (silent but deadly). It started off well enough. But soon I had to strain to get the rest out. Completely unaware of how I might look, I leaned forward in my desk, so much so that the rear legs of my chair rose above the floor. At this very moment, hunched like a dog on the lawn, the gas erupted - loudly. I immediately set my chair back down and pretended to attend to the lesson. It was too late to act nonchalantly. I was clearly the culprit. My peers nearest me looked at me, scanning my face for signs of weakness. I foolishly looked around the room as if I too was searching for the source. This gave me away instantly. The classroom roared with laughter as the teacher returned to her lesson.

2. The Late 1980's - Math Class I won't waste space here. Sadly, a year after the last indiscretion in Klingenberg's class, I did the same thing under nearly identical circumstances. Some of the faces had changed, but the gas remained the same.

3. 2000 - Theater Class This time, I was the teacher in a Kindergarten theater class. A few of the students were performing part of a play, while the rest sat on chorus risers. I stood next the class, watching. Feeling the need to let one fly, I waited for a funny moment when the kids in the audience would laugh. The volume of a group of six year olds can easily mask a near "boom-boom". To my dismay, the laughter wasn't forthcoming. I had to resort to an SBD. My mother, who is also a teacher, told me she would often walk the aisles in her classrooms, discreetly depositing her payload between two students who would inevitably blame each other. Taking her experiences to heart, I did my business and quietly stepped away from the crime scene. The young girl sitting nearest to the invisible cloud sat politely - hands folded in her lap. Soon her nose began to twitch. She squinted her eyes and looked side to side for the source of the smell. Having enough of the nice-nice she broke down and began swatting the air in front of her face, as if trying to knock away an fly. I felt a little bad for the poor kid, but my pride in following in my mother's footsteps swelled. I beamed at the knowledge that I had gotten away with the perfect crime.

8 comments:

PreppyGirl said...

Well done Galoot (or should I say Ga-TOOT!) You could've thrown in the story about how you were "Gaseous Clay" for Halloween one year. Stinky.

3carnations said...

I have a story from last night to go along with this one. When our almost 2 year old son toots, I will often ask him if he is pooping. Well, last night hubby was holding our son, and hubby let out a not-very-discreet toot. To which our son replied..."Pooping Daddy?" Hubby said "No, I just tooted". I had to look away to regain my composure because if I had looked at my husband we would have both erupted into laughter.

PreppyGirl said...

This happens OFTEN in our house. We can't look at each other either for fear of laughing - (oh, and the tooting thing too). Too funny!

Galoot said...

Preppygirl and I have had a lot of moments where we're trying to keep a stern face after reprimanding the kids for doing something. The good times are those when one of us is out of view of the child and can make faces at the other one. Nothing like watching my wife trying to keep a straight face!

Galoot said...

Weird timing, Preppygirl...publishing our similar posts so close to each other.

-R- said...

GaToot- that is hilarious! Your first story made me laugh out loud in my office.

princess slea said...

I have two farting memories. One was right after I had Jude so only two years ago. I was still in my Mary Kay lady mode and was doing a class with a bunch of women I didn't know. I leaned over to help one of the ladies put on her eyeshadow and farted near another lady's face. HIGHLY embarrassing.
When I was about 23, I got really really sick. I had been vomiting and couldn't eat or drink for a couple days. I was weak and dehydrated. I had to let a stinker....or so I thought. I called my mom after I realized that I had pooped my pants. She took me to the doctor (after I bathed of course) and he sent me to the ER.

I really find the thought of Eileen farting hilarious especially given the deviousness of it (like it isn't hard enough being a teenager, we gotta worry about our teachers framing us?) ha ha

Guinness_Girl said...

Ha! This is hilarious! You and Preppygirl are obviously fun people. :)